My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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