I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
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He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
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I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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