Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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