Only a mothe r could love this liver
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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