I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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