nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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