I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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