I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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