YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
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Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
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DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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