Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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