I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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