If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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