Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
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I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
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You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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