you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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