Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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