Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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