I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize