Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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