My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
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Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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