so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
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Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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