I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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