I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
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I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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