I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
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I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
tell me about the fingering
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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