I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
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Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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