Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
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He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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