Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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