I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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