Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
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Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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