My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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