He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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