Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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