I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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