can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
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Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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