That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize