I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
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Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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