you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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