drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize