I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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