I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
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Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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