I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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