Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
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I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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