My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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