I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
how does that bad decision feel?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize