You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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