Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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