why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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