That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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