I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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