ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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