I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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